The Men in My Life

It was that moment in life.

Lying in the bed wondering what will happen in the next phase of my life. . .

Fully messed up, trying to figure out how to get up from here. .

The thought of having pain was just looming and fading away from me.

Through out the journey, one thought was pestering me a lot, don’t even know how to sort it out. .

More than a solution, I was trying to pen it out. Telling someone was not enough. .

The thought that was so perilously disturbing me all these time. .

And urging me to pen it out was something controversial and more

Something that nobody would expect from me,

and for that I would say that 5 just there problem of understanding me. .

Sorry for playing with your inqusitive minds. .

Let’s straight away begin . . .

I can vaguely remember the first time I started saying I’m my daddys girl. . Like every daughter does. . .

l aIways wanted him to be the best. . and celebrated his called importance of being a comrade. . and l was simply enjoying all its advantages. Till then I realised him and his importance. . . I became more conscious about me. . and started to make things better for him and his name. . and on that note I believed that I’m in the safest hands. . and Will always be …..

Don’t know why I hated every men. . Is that because my dad was the best. . . . Don’t know?! !. .

But I remember those days in school I secretly weeped for days. . hating every men. . it was not the hatred. . . but the frightening thoughts of men. . . that consciously made me hate them. . . and that terrible incident . . men and the power he had was just making me insecure.

To run away from that fear. . . I believed that I have my superhero with me and I’m in his safest hands.

Then that too happened. I was just plucked out from my place to that unknown city. . A city I always dreamed of but never thought. . it would be fulfilled. . for the next two years I have to spend their alone. Their began the next phase. . the so called MEN were frightening me. . And I was becoming a Menphobic lady. . .

And there happened another thing. . .

A new member to my small world. . I was quiet unhappy to accept him. . But don’t know why he made me feel so secure. And for the first time. . . I felt to have a brotherly care from an unknown person. . and l was so happy ..

I was quiet moving with the new life. .

Classes were going good. . my batch mates started to talk with me. . But that issue of trust and so called menphobia loomed me. . I kept a huge distance with the boys. . . I was quiet weird . . But gradually that space loosened down. . And I began feeling comfortable with them. .

Then that thought developed in me. . There are men who can be like my dad.

I was equating each and everything with my superhero. . . not sure. . whether he was the best or not. . But  he secured me with all weirdness I had. . And slowly l was falling in love with that city. . my dream city. . . The vibes of the city soothed me. . . And then my two year journey. . Got extended to three more years. . .

And there happened my new phase. . it took one and a half years for me to be part of the new world. . . the City was familiar to me. , But the new world of strangers were quiet hard to accept. . But that too happened.. l was pretty much comfortable with them. . .

Then their at that moment. . I got drenched in the beautiful emotion of love. .

Finally I realized. . He was the next perfect man I had in my life. . other than dad. . But unfortunately. . No. . I will say fortunately. . Love story was quiet unpredictable. . And It ended. . . but I will always say He will be the best for. . . and will make a good pair with some beautiful ladies out there… I would say He was the next important man in my life.

Then after long five years from there. . l was plucked from there too. . To yet another city. . The world of letters. . Men came in and out of my life. . Knowingly and unknowingly. . They became a part of my life. . But there I found one person there. . With whom l won’t say I had feelings towards. . But with whom I wanted some time to sit and talk. . And I really wished for that. . But it didn’t happen. . And that too I believe didn’t happen fortunately. .

And now here. . Lying In the bed. .

l’m madly in love with these three people. . And I m talking about LOVE. . Not that you all think so. . Love does not have a defined meaning. . And so I would say anything sacred of emotions is love. . . These three people have just made me a new person. . And for the first time. . I felt regret of not being a doctor. . But still these three smiling handsome people. . . Had a special space in my life. . The persons who made me to live another life. . Breathe another day . . . and I’m in love With them. .

And this was something I wanted to say. I wanted my mind to understand. . These men are so important. That I fell in love with them. . . From my super hero to this three wonderful angels. . . they have changed a Menphobic girl to someone who can understand the difference between bad and good. . . touch to men in real. . l’m quiet happy that. . . so lucky enough to have them. .

And in this concluding part. . .I proudly title this stream of concious thoughts as, .. THE MEN lN MY LIFE. . .

and on a serious note. . . I’ve not yet found you. . The one I’m searching for. . And let this hide and seek continue like this . . Will wait for the time to reveal it’s mystery. . Till then I’m waiting for the next …….

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Offtrack..

Digression from the monotony

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Listening to Indian Beats

Every journey is an escape that leads one to an experience.

After completion of my graduation I was constantly facing the question of what now? Overcome by pressure I thought it was high time to take a break and decided to go on a tour. Many tourist websites were surfed , pages of numerous travel magazines were flipped over . But the question of finance wasnt one we could settle in all the tour packages I came across.

One day father called me to suggest a tour package offered by the Indian Railway known as ‘Bharat Darshan’. It offered a journey by train of ten days to visit four important places in India: Agra ,Delhi, Jaipur and Ajmer. The tour package seemed feasible as it demanded only eight thousand per head including food and accommodation. So this package was finalised and I set out for the trip.

Unlike others my excitement at first was not over the trip but as I could escape from the ever haunting question at least for a while. But soon it turned out to be a journey of experience…a once in a life time experience!

 

Glimpses from the journey

 

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Spread across like a sea

Yet charmingly flowing river

Kaveri River

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Holy Ganga in ruins

Ganga River

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Goods trains from the mines of Madhya Pradesh

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Apparitions that come and go by…

Glimpses from the Railway Station

Madhya Pradesh

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Watching the Sun set is joyous

No matter if it’s in the Sea or on mere barren land

Setting Sun ending the day

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Thousand calls have I had to lay on your lap

Under the shades of  Father,

  O Mother Earth

Premises of Qutub Minar

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Yes I eat your land 

And breath out fumes.

Factories in Gujarat

I thought of not including the pictures of Tajmahal or the four main places that I visited , as most of you are quite familiar with it and as my focus is not on them but rather on the few glances my eyes caught on the way.

Few sights were there which no camera could capture and which created in me an urge to jot it down. One such was the sight in Gujarat station where men, women along with children were relieving in open spaces near railway tracks in wide view of all passengers. They had only a mug of water in their hands. I could not find any feeling of shame on their faces, not even in the face of women maybe as they had no other way. At first it was embarrassing, later I felt sympathy which ended up in a sense of resentment towards those in power. Those were the sights that one would least expect even in their nightmares.

Another troubling sight was to see the widespread use of tobacco both by men and women in equal measure. Happy that the use of liquor is comparatively less but still these addicts are forgetting the fact that smoking really can kill.

Gujarat doesn’t offer any sight of lush green but is abundantly rich in factories, big and small , in all possible corners . One can not find a single river that hasn’t either dried up or isn’t highly polluted.

The last sight that struck me the most was the tribal way of using vehicle the people without a tinch of concern for the fellow travellers or for the passengers. Horns with piercing sound breaks through the ear drums making us a real dumb in all sense. In the morning by no time urban roads turns to a mess especially in Agra with the traffic rules being defied in all possible way by the masses.

It is true, what our Father of Nation once said, “To know the real India travel through its villages”. For me it was possible to grasp a portion of what rural India is only because of the train journey I could undertake. Though my destinations were quite eye capturing , it was certain other sights that I mentioned above that actually captured my heart! Though they weren’t pleasant in the least possible way, they finally gave way to experiences.

And now I’m back to face the same old question for yet another course of time. I guess one needs to travel for a while when questions raised by life makes you too weary and in such journeys destinations are least important. Just remember to  keep your eyes and ears wide open. Who knows, the journey itself turns into destination at times!

Lost me!

Again.

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One noon I woke up from my sleep in my single bedroom flat, unloading huge packages of tension, irritation & stress of a long journey. It turned out to be a tedious journey and the long nap I had taken couldnt drive away my tireness. Journeys are always like that for me. To get back to the normal rhythm of life after one is such an effort.

Continue reading “Lost me!”