You are my last word

I couldn’t believe I had decided to take such a risk.

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I usually have a tendency to sit huddled up in bedsheets in the favourite corner of our bed..whenever I am in a sad mood or at times of fight. But this time, it is a totally different reason. And the reason is that I have become pregnant. I’m an unmarried pregnant lady whose world has shrunken to a single person.

Sitting there huddled up under the sheets, I could sense fear and doubt welling up inside me. After a long time I was stopping and looking back at my life. I couldn’t  believe that I had decided to take such a risk,to leave my whole family to live with somebody whom I had known only for some months. Then only the complete truth of my situation dawned on me. What if he won’t accept my child. What if he decides to throw me away? Where will I go and what refuge do I have left? I had broken away all ties and had left everyone to live with him. After all this time it was impossible to go back.Now what if he doesnt stand with me?My mind got filled with thousand such questions..Slowly opening the door he came in.

It wasn’t a surprised look on his face seeing me sitting there as he had witnessed this several times during our life together. But his face did bear some anxiety over my sudden mood change. He came near me, took my face in his hands and gave me an expression questioning me over today’s mood out.

I refused to look at him and looked down instead. The fear I had been experiencing was choking me now and I pushed away his hands first and then him as a whole. He went back few steps back but again approached me not ready to give up that easily.

Now he too was sitting, beside me, similarly huddled under the sheets. He gently placed his hands on my shoulder. This time I let him ..as I was too tired to resist. When I didn’t push him away, he came a bit more closer and pushed me closer to his chest. Lying there embraced in the warmth of his heart, I felt more at peace. I stayed there ,without budging ,afraid that this moment that I so love is going to end soon.

At such a thought,tears began rolling down from my eyes. He didn’t wipe my tears but then took my left palm in his and placed our hands on his chest . I felt his hearbeats proceeding in a rhythm…nothing is as rhythmical as a heart beat.

And even before he could frame the question, as if under a spell I began to speak,

” I’m so lucky, in a matter of few months I’ll have two rhythmically beating hearts to listen to”.

He never responded nor did I dared to look up at him and the silence prevailed.

Seconds flew, minutes passed..restless, I gained courage to look up at him and he gave me the shock of my life. His eyes were fixed at the wall and tear drops were flowing endlessly…was he happy or cursing his faith…I wondered. Whatever it was I needed to know his reaction, his decision, I thought. So l pressed my palms hard across his chest to bring him back to reality. He tilted his face towards me , gave me a blank look and then..took my face in his arms and planted a kiss on my forehead first then my eyes ..then through the stream of my nose …went over the curves of my lips. He kissed both of my cheeks again and again as if they were competing with each other to fetch all of his kisses.

Then he held me closer to, hugged me and slowly whispered in my ears,

“You know what, this will be the last time I’m kissing you so passionately with all my love for you. I won’t be able to do this again.”

Stuck, shocked I remained silent and he continued,

“As…rest of my love and life  belongs to the cute little one in your tummy”.

I bit his left ear with jealousy, laughing heartily and closed my eyes as tightly as I held him.

 

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